Today was a realy bad day. This week has been a really bad week. It has been bad since Sunday. I hope tomorrow is better than today.

I came to the realization that I lost my Ipod earlier…I don’t even know how to be honest. I just did…I want to cry just sit here and cry but I already cried earlier when I was writing an email to my cousin about the situation at home.

This week is a bad week. It’s the aftermath of the horrible week last week. Well last week going thorough it was stressful – this week its just…depressing.

Sunday – the horrible birthday with the family event.

Monday – the sulking over Sunday’s event

Tuesday – still sulking and accomplishing nothing once again; the dread of going to a meeting being “the outsider” as I room with strangers.

Wednesday – yesterday, staying up working on the journals; that I ended up sleeping and thus, lands into today.

Thursday – missed my class, lost my Ipod, found out my failing grade for anatomy (I studied and I studied SO MUCH)

Friday – not here yet. Great.

Lisa’s birthday is this weekend. I have a lot of reading to do. A lot of catching up to do yet at the same thing a miracle, may not even save me. *sigh*

Horrible horrible week.

I am still feeling pretty tired and slowly growing custom to using WordPress. Perhaps its because the time is so easy to change. Nonetheless I wish they had a client that automatically signed me in and didn’t require me opening a browswer. I am so tired right now and I still have nine journal entries waiting to be written. My roomate next door is either playing a battle game or watching another war movie – making it difficult to do either.

Ugh.

I am trying my best not to think about the situation with my mother. Just need to get through Thursday and then the rest of the week won’t seem that bad. Man, I almost forgot I have to volunteer tomorrow. But thankfully, its only for an hour and afterwards, I really should go straight to the library.

Tomorrow is a long day of straight classes with no break in between. Great. I am going to attempt to take a nap – hope I get back up to work. I know naps are bad I am just so tired. And sleeping with all this noise is going to be slightly difficult, man, it bites not having any other suitemates or rooming people who seemingly have little or no work.

I have two hours till I have to go to my meeting. Under original plans I was ironically suppose to go to a birthday dinner with my sister tonight, but I am slightly glad I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t know or not completely sure why – but I am so tired and I’ve been tired and treading my feet around all day.

I’ve done some reading but to be honest I feel mopy and I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like just sitting here, or climbing back into bed and hoping that the next time I open my eyes it’ll be Friday – when I actually have something to look forward to. It’ll be Lisa’s birthday and even though I have no idea what to get her it’ll be a relief to see my friends. I think I am going to bring my laptop as well? Maybe and then after the meeting go for two hours of cramming – actually I don’t even know if I’d do that. I just feel like I am not doing that much as I am sitting there – maybe I could bring my dozens of scrap papers and work on something hidden. *shrugs* I guess we’ll have to see.

I just have to make it through today and then it’ll be okay – it won’t be that bad because then I have one month to fully devote to my school and exams. It didn’t used to be so bad when I had friends, good friends I could just be moderately reliant on. I should find my notes for the club and print out some other ones before I go. I should do that now…technically.

I should be doing a lot of things. You know when you get so much work that you just want the time to pause – just for a moment so you can get a breather. Well, right now I just want it to pause because all motivation and driving force has left me. Truthfully, this is another representation as to why I shouldn’t have a boyfriend. I get distracted and taken away too easily. I – I finally realized what everyone says how if something is unresolved they can’t focus till it becomes resolved. Well – that’s me right now. I don’t even know how to begin to resolve it. I don’t even know if we can resolve it. I just know that nothing will be the same anymore whether it’ll be a good thing or a bad thing will be another story.

I do care about my mother no question. Just that so many feelings were confronted and we can’t just sit here pretending everything is okay. Great, thinking about it is horrible now I feel like I can be on a verge of tears. I want my name back, I want my life back, I want to be as far as I can humanly possible away from all of this. Only that I know I can’t leave her…not now, not after what she told me I feel responsible, nevertheless, she did say that I was a verge of a lot of her medical problems rather than the other way around.

Can you believe that I even have a second of doubt that something might have been blown out of proportion out of everything she told me? *exhales* This isn’t a television show, we’re not just suddenly become good friends, I used to strive on a close relationship but something discomforting about your mother acting like she doesn’t care when you said you contemplated suicide really hurts, and left a mark. Okay, off I go – to waste print money.

I am not sure if my week is getting worst – I mean its only Tuesday, yesterday wasn’t that pleasant because I had to – oh yea, I was suppose to go with Kim to go get Raptors tickets. Aw…we both forgot but then again she missed the last class we had together. *shrugs*

I am slightly hungry right now but as I have nothing to eat but the chicken that I intend to save for lunch so I am not eating my medicine “without food” then I am left with once again, an Oh Henry! bar. Healthy.

I’ve just spent some time finding my assignment to be assured that they are due this week. It is due this week – Thursday, a collection of journals based on the articles that I am suppose to be reading and the articles I am suppose to be critiqing.

So as I can change the timestamp on this I am going to try to use this more often. *shrugs* Something different, if only I could crosspost to Tabulas then that would be good.

So I woke up today with the same miserable feeling of being neglected and alone and unwanted – like a loner. Man, it really sucks when you don’t have good friends at your school or in the same clubs as you. Mine you, I really like one of my programs – hard but I know a lot of people from there so it does give me a sense of a belongingness. I don’t know nothing or rather everything has turned out like nothing I planned only there’s a minor thing that makes it fun. I am going to look into my application and wait till I finally get to go to Montreal to decide whether I want to be part of this club next year.

I just – don’t look foward to it as much as I did before. A lot of people changed to less friendly and less geunine people who are so caught up building groups and cliques so that they can shed themselves of the fear of being alone while I am just left here standing feeling like an outsider. For the coming trip, I didn’t attend last week’s meeting because I had strep throat and now I have no one to room with, I don’t know what to expect and I like all other weeks, a dread going to.

I hate feeling so left out, alone, its like tennis that caused so much anxiety is over now I have this to worry and stress about for the rest of the year.

I keep watching Gilmore Girls to well, be honest, run away from all this.

I should also probably start working on those journals. I should even list to see how many journals I have to write and such – plan.

Stressed, alone and neglected. Yes, the last adjective because nothing with my mother is fixed.