That’s how it all plays out. In the end, in everything you can’t achieve. In everything you know you shouldn’t want because you can’t afford to have.

You want and live through everything else. You live through watching others do what you can’t. You look for an outlet. You look for a reason to hope. A reason to make sense of everything – sense of how I live now. I sense of how I ended up like this.

Or maybe we just don’t know what we want till we see what we don’t have. Maybe the mind is really that strong. Standing here. Seeing how I’ve become. So cold, so distance and so indifferent to everything I used to value – maybe this is proof that anything we can leave behind.

But if we can leave anything behind. Where do you find the motivation to move at all. What if things no longer need you to walk away and it just fades away while you stand there and watch, then what is left to convince you to take the next step?

I’ve been feeling so scared. Running away from this stress. Running away from my fear. Looking for an outlet only to find that when I turn around there’s nothing there. I am just here all alone.

But what are you missing when you had nothing to begin with?

I am so scared for the upcoming exam and in the midst of all this frustration in feeling incompetent and not knowing how to tackle it has caused me to avoid it…

So tonight. Pray for me. I am going to stay up and drink up fluids (caffeine) and give it all I got try my best and hope for the best. I can’t fail. I can’t afford to fail period.

Just finished watching One Tree Hill. And that’s what I conclude from that episode. I really like Jimmy Eat Worlds New EP – Stay on my side tonight. I am going to search for it in stores even though it only has 5 songs on it.

As much as I am tempted to click on a button and get it off iTunes. Now that my shuffle is gone. I am back to cds and which means I will be investing into a new pair of earphones soon.

Today – I have finally found the cassette am/fm recorder my mother wanted. Finally found a store that is still selling something obsclete. It’s Panasonic too. So now I made my list and in fear of not being able to – get it all (the presents) on time I am going on Friday – to various different locations to track down all the gifts.

Trailers, television. Got to love them. That’s where many of my favourite artists were developed.

Last month, the band of the month was Fall Out Boy.

This month, it is Jack’s Mannequin and a band that has always been here but not very widely known – yet still great Jagstar.

I am greatly infatuated with their new song, “I’m Leavin’” featured on the Hills trailer, a spin off of Laguna Beach featuring Lauren Conrad.

Okay – I need to stay up tonight because time has quickly passed me by today. I am REALLY behind and really beginning to stress out about anatomy. My wide range of methods of studying isn’t really working all that well.

Must tackle it another way and quick before its too late.

I am listening to Mugglecast right now. I am pretty happy right now. I just finished my lab test for the second and final test. The results were so different from the last one I did. I am certain I did well on this test.

So, I may be able to get a C in Anatomy after all. Mind you it wasn’t what I was shooting for but as long as I don’t get anything lower than a C which was it looked like. I am happy.

As with the each lab ending regardless, I am always certain and happy that I am in Kinesiology. I mean even in biology there were labs and meeting people but the people in Kinesiolgoy are SO MUCH nicer and friendlier and we just identify more.

It’s just very unfortunate that I haven’t yet taken the first two courses of Kinesiology otherwise I’d be with my other friends taking Research Methods.

I think I finally found a place that I fit in that might actually remain quite a constant =).

So I am awake right now. I was studying about an hour ago and in between some time before that. And I am just eating some lasnga for breakfast (no milk for anything else and everything else isn’t open yet).

I opened a glass of my apple cider. Only not only did the flavouring changed (its newly purchased) it also developed some sort of carbonation. Basically if I was told it was spiked I wouldn’t be surprised. So I didn’t put the cider into the fridge where it’s suppose to be. So now I am kind of odd out; why it changed that fast. Perhaps I’ll shove it into the fridge later. Obviously I can’t drink it right now.

Makes me question what is in this cider as well.

Bah. Sleeping at six and then getting up an hour after.

I just fniished reading the My Sister’s Keeper. Wow, good till the last page. I don’t think I’ve ever read a book so empowering. With such a good mix of medical and law related topics. It really challenges the difference between morals and legally what is right and wrong.

I definitely really liked that book. And as they have finally finished watching Crash for the second time – it has become more silent and I can finally go back to tackling anatomy again. Attempting to making sense of something so I can turn the page.