I am talking with my friend Ted right now. He’s debating about whether to get a Ipod Nano or an Ipod Video which I constructed a list for him – a pro/con list (I am an expert at them now…).

I think about my shuffle. I miss my shuffle. I also lost my pen (luckily I had three more) but silly enough even so, I still wanted to finish it. I wanted to for once use the pen till all the ink is gone. It’s really silly I know. But little things like that matter to me. Kind of.

I also lost my eraser. I’ve been using it for a little over a year now. I wanted to use it till it ends too. I tape it everytime after I cut off part of the paper that wraps it. I miss that too. I don’t like using new erasers. I like finishing the one I had. I like – things staying exactly the same, almost.

Or well, I don’t like change. But the reason I am writing is because I realized how I like to settle for little things. Little things make me happy. Like if I was to find money one day – I think of it as making up for all the money I’ve lost over the years – for the things I’ve lost.

Like that one time I gained 10 dollars accidently from someone and hadn’t realized it till I was home. I used that money to purchase some of the school supplies I lost over the years. That way, I don’t feel so ripped off. I mean sure its a couple of bucks, but little things, things that I can call mine, mean something to me. It gives me this assurance that people can’t take it from me. It has sentimental value. It – makes me feel like I am someone sometimes. Having ownership over something that’s mine, it foolishly fills in some of the spaces and void I feel. It makes me feel – like I was alive once. Like I have things. Things that are called mine, things that have marks like pen marks and scratches that represent a memory, my use. Things that remind me that I am alive, that is proof that I have been alive regardless of how dismissed I feel a lot of the time.

I identify with this book, My SIster’s Keeper a lot. I really like it. I almost like it enough to want to be Anna. She captures the neglectance I feel. She captures the pain that I feel. Only unlike her, being a wanted child, I was not a wanted child. I was a “mistake” and despite being not completely normal with health issues like Kate – that may have gave me attention, love, or some affection but they didn’t hold on. In fact, them like me – sometimes forget that I am not “normal.”

A lot more people have it worst, I agree. But…I don’t know. Somehow as much as I live in denial – material compensation like TV shows and music and books that take me away from reality for a while is only just for a while and only temporarily.

Sorry I drift off into other topics often. But anyways as I was saying – the Ipod shuffle that I missed. I know that I’d settle for it. As much as I want the Ipod video, as much as I want the Creative Video. I still don’t want something that expensive, one because of its price and two because truthfully I don’t think I deserve it at all. I mean, to be honest, there’s a lot of things I don’t deserve, like the DVD sets I purchase for myself.

But, having that – is something I know I don’t know…more. A darker reminder of shame that I have something I don’t deserve and that is so imbedded in my brain that I don’t think I’d ever be fully happy that I have it. It kind of makes me not want it as much too.

Its funny. How ever since I was small. I like little things. I rather have a small house or a small apartment than a big house. Being in the plane or in a hotel was enough to make me feel like a celebrity, to feel pampered. I liked Honda Civics since I was in grade seven. When everyone else went for nicer cars and models like Porche. I was just happy with my Honda Civic. I still love it and now that they keep making it better and redesigning it – others like it too. But I liked it somewehat better than what it was. When it was simple.

A friend once said to me that I have a habit of purchasing something that no one would want because I felt like that. It was this one time, I purchased a Ty stuff plush- it was a Buffalo, Rome. There were TONS of him in the store, he was the one with the most, while others Ty plush only had one or two in stock like the frog and dog. But I purchased it. I purchased it because no one wanted it. I bought it everywhere with me in grade eight.

Maybe that is why. There were some moments recently before that incident on my birthday. Some moments when my sister didn’t return home from school for the weekend. Some moments when I felt like I was truly loved and didn’t have to keep fighting for my parent’s affection. Even if its just for a moment.

It’s not that I didn’t want her home. She’s their child. Their first child. The child they wanted. The child who didn’t grow up with problems. The child who wasn’t born too early. She’s the child my dad placed all his hopes on. She the child who is becoming the person they always thought she could be. She’s as she said once “the better one” and I am “the alien,” I should have been very offended by that when she said ti to me countless times. But instead I looked up – wanted to be different and kind of hoping that my real family was waiting and looking for me.

That’s gone now. Everything went back to normal. Everything. I think that’s why I love Him so much and believe in Him so much because He stood for someone who loved me – who I didn’t have to fight for, prove myself to. Who loved me, just the same. Who cared if I died or not. There was a time when I wanted to die just to see who would really care, most of the time, though it was because I thought life was too painful to live. To painful that it was not worth living. I was too unhappy.

Then there’s other times, when my parents were fighting, when my sister was lying and disobeying my parents, when I had to do chores and other “handy work” around the house, that I felt I was put here to maintain the balance. I was put here to help them out. I felt purposeful but it didn’t mean I was put here because I was wanted, only to help others. And sure that’s suppose to be something good enough but for the amount of pain I feel sometimes, feeling unloved, feeling unwanted, feeling alone, its not a good reason at all. Selfishly, it’s not a good reason or good enough.

I just received my second book, which was again very quick. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer but to be honest I am still “procrasinatingly” reading My Sister’s Keeper from yesterday. It’s really good and I do identify with the book so much. Within 60 pages it has already made me cry – I know it may be wrong but I almost really want her to go through with suing her parents, and the identification with that relationship exemplifies my mother and I.

I am going to spend the rest of my life resenting my family. *sigh* Going home, or not going home.

This has got to stop doing Times New Roman as automatic. I just went to the Housing office and picked up one of my two books – odd that the other one didn’t come yet. Hm…well it is new. So maybe it’ll take a bit.

This book isn’t available in stores so I am rather glad that its not really really ruined (the edges that is). *exhales* He has a great way to trying to make everything feel okay after you feel energyless.

I can’t wait to read it. =)

So today wasn’t as bad as yesterday – I guess but everything has completely returned back to normal (the normal of a while ago.) My mother and I and my sister and I no longer have the close bond. The close bond especially with my mother, the warmth and eveyrthing is gone.

My sister has now gone back to remind me and be back the person that I’ve always truly known her for. She hasn’t changed. One day a few moments of difference doesn’t make up or isn’t something permanent.

Its just really unfortunate the relationship I lose with my mother…really. I finished watching Grey’s Anatomy, it isn’t as funny as it is usually. But there’s definitely a lot that makes me anxious and unable to wait for the next episode.

I am listening to Gorillaz right now. I really can’t classify the type of music it is. Perhaps, its a good thing the price of this CD went down after all, more than just the function of losing money. I didn’t end up getting Gilmore Girls, which to be honest was a complete disappointment to me. However, I did pick up another new series – Eldest the Dragon and some good food from Costco today.

My dad finally went shopping and although, I already had a gift for him in mind, now I really know what to get him because I went shopping with him. Something he’ll really like given that he doesn’t have time to go again. Its really my mother that I have to figure out. I need to figure out damage control. Okay I am going to quickly watch an episode of Gilmore Girls to get me hyped up to work. Then – order my book – hopefully I’ll have enough money now. To get my books online.

Today was a realy bad day. This week has been a really bad week. It has been bad since Sunday. I hope tomorrow is better than today.

I came to the realization that I lost my Ipod earlier…I don’t even know how to be honest. I just did…I want to cry just sit here and cry but I already cried earlier when I was writing an email to my cousin about the situation at home.

This week is a bad week. It’s the aftermath of the horrible week last week. Well last week going thorough it was stressful – this week its just…depressing.

Sunday – the horrible birthday with the family event.

Monday – the sulking over Sunday’s event

Tuesday – still sulking and accomplishing nothing once again; the dread of going to a meeting being “the outsider” as I room with strangers.

Wednesday – yesterday, staying up working on the journals; that I ended up sleeping and thus, lands into today.

Thursday – missed my class, lost my Ipod, found out my failing grade for anatomy (I studied and I studied SO MUCH)

Friday – not here yet. Great.

Lisa’s birthday is this weekend. I have a lot of reading to do. A lot of catching up to do yet at the same thing a miracle, may not even save me. *sigh*

Horrible horrible week.

Okay so around 6am I started hitting the panic button that I would finish in time and before you know it I slept and woke up about an hour into the class I was suppose to be at and now there’s only one hour left.

It’s really hard to tell whether or not its snowing right now. Either that or the wind is blowing the snow that we got this morning around making it look like it won’t ever stop snowing. You know how in television shows when they make fake snow and you know that it is fake because of how well big the flakes are?

Well right now there are tons of those surround by little ones = come to think of it. I think it is snowing – still. It’s an awful lot of snow for the wind to be blowing around if it wasn’t. Unfortunately I still have the journal entries waving over my head. *sigh*

I don’t even know what to say to my teacher other than the truth, I’ve been feeling very tired lately and been falling asleep at random times and then getting back up at other random times still feeling completely restless. So – I was thinking of going to the mall today but from the looks of this – it really doesn’t look like a good idea.

Man, I really wanted to go somewhere like a Staples or a Grand and Toy too. I’ll just have to try to work with what I have I guess, which is well at the moment, nothing.

To be honest, part of me if I was given the chance would have loved to go home right now. Actually taking the GO bus today isn’t out the question but do I really want to take a 45 mins. bus just so I can purchase some school supplies for my journal? I am slightly tempted.

I could take the transit. I am going to go check that mall’s directory and see if they have any school supplies stores. No, no school supplies stores, all malls are so clothes oriented now that – that’s basically all they have with the exception of malls that have been built for a while now.

I am going to go ask my roomate whether there is a bus that goes to the Staples that is about a 1-2 hour walk (in this condition) and perhaps take that bus and go shopping for school supplies there. I am sadly a school-supplies addict as well.

I feel so disoriented because of the time I slept and unmotivated as I feel like my brain just decided to stop processing information.

Now, I know that it was coming, some snow at least that wouldn’t be melted away into water or dried away from the sun or even worst, turned into ice from the cold wind chills we have been getting lately. But I hadn’t expect this much snow.

Okay, and perhaps its not a lot, a lot per say. There have been more but the fact that the snow blower is shoving snow at 3 am in the morning and there is more than two centimeters of snow, which can alone do enough damage to roads, walking conditions, etc. I am slighly concerned.

I am slightly surprised that I am still awake right now. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful I have a lot of work to accomplish before it becomes ten o’clock. 8 more journals to be exact. Yes, that one journal per an hour thing just may not work and perhaps I need to work faster because I have still yet to drag my printer here from home. Yes, home that dreadful word.

Okay back to work. *sigh* Let me get through today.

Isn’t that the most pleasant word in the English dictionary. I have cramps…or stomache. I can’t tell, maybe both.

That – peanut butter and crackers was certainly not a good idea by any means. Great. Okay, need to get down to work. I got nothing accomplished, yesterday.

Man I need pain killers or sedation or some sort. No, I don’t do well with stomaches, headaches, or well pain. Muscle pain maybe. That’s a maybe. Otherwise, all pain is not really bearable on my part, I know I am such a baby.

Can’t believe I am nineteen. I can’t believe all that has happened…I really want time to go on pause.

I am still feeling pretty tired and slowly growing custom to using WordPress. Perhaps its because the time is so easy to change. Nonetheless I wish they had a client that automatically signed me in and didn’t require me opening a browswer. I am so tired right now and I still have nine journal entries waiting to be written. My roomate next door is either playing a battle game or watching another war movie – making it difficult to do either.

Ugh.

I am trying my best not to think about the situation with my mother. Just need to get through Thursday and then the rest of the week won’t seem that bad. Man, I almost forgot I have to volunteer tomorrow. But thankfully, its only for an hour and afterwards, I really should go straight to the library.

Tomorrow is a long day of straight classes with no break in between. Great. I am going to attempt to take a nap – hope I get back up to work. I know naps are bad I am just so tired. And sleeping with all this noise is going to be slightly difficult, man, it bites not having any other suitemates or rooming people who seemingly have little or no work.

I have two hours till I have to go to my meeting. Under original plans I was ironically suppose to go to a birthday dinner with my sister tonight, but I am slightly glad I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t know or not completely sure why – but I am so tired and I’ve been tired and treading my feet around all day.

I’ve done some reading but to be honest I feel mopy and I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like just sitting here, or climbing back into bed and hoping that the next time I open my eyes it’ll be Friday – when I actually have something to look forward to. It’ll be Lisa’s birthday and even though I have no idea what to get her it’ll be a relief to see my friends. I think I am going to bring my laptop as well? Maybe and then after the meeting go for two hours of cramming – actually I don’t even know if I’d do that. I just feel like I am not doing that much as I am sitting there – maybe I could bring my dozens of scrap papers and work on something hidden. *shrugs* I guess we’ll have to see.

I just have to make it through today and then it’ll be okay – it won’t be that bad because then I have one month to fully devote to my school and exams. It didn’t used to be so bad when I had friends, good friends I could just be moderately reliant on. I should find my notes for the club and print out some other ones before I go. I should do that now…technically.

I should be doing a lot of things. You know when you get so much work that you just want the time to pause – just for a moment so you can get a breather. Well, right now I just want it to pause because all motivation and driving force has left me. Truthfully, this is another representation as to why I shouldn’t have a boyfriend. I get distracted and taken away too easily. I – I finally realized what everyone says how if something is unresolved they can’t focus till it becomes resolved. Well – that’s me right now. I don’t even know how to begin to resolve it. I don’t even know if we can resolve it. I just know that nothing will be the same anymore whether it’ll be a good thing or a bad thing will be another story.

I do care about my mother no question. Just that so many feelings were confronted and we can’t just sit here pretending everything is okay. Great, thinking about it is horrible now I feel like I can be on a verge of tears. I want my name back, I want my life back, I want to be as far as I can humanly possible away from all of this. Only that I know I can’t leave her…not now, not after what she told me I feel responsible, nevertheless, she did say that I was a verge of a lot of her medical problems rather than the other way around.

Can you believe that I even have a second of doubt that something might have been blown out of proportion out of everything she told me? *exhales* This isn’t a television show, we’re not just suddenly become good friends, I used to strive on a close relationship but something discomforting about your mother acting like she doesn’t care when you said you contemplated suicide really hurts, and left a mark. Okay, off I go – to waste print money.