The break down begins…

My computer battery is going to die soon. So I have to write fast. Well technically I should be asleep so either way I should be writing fast.

I feel sick. You know that feeling when the sides of your stomach hurts when you run after you eat. I've been feeling that all day since the morning. And you know when you're sick with a cough or cold and your mouth is dry and tasteless causing you to lose appetite to eat and barely taste anything that enters your mouth. I've been feeling that as well.

But on top of that. I've been feeling warm – uncomfortably warm and my entire body feels weak. Especially my leg joints – feeling like I can't support the rest of my body. Yet the pain above all that irritates me the most is the headache that mostly resides in the back of my head which also seems to be where the fever/head seem to be coming from. YES, very discomforting.

I know my writing is cruddie right now. But at this moment. I don't feel like writing with so much that many adjectives. I am unpleasant right now. Part of me wants them (the Doctors) to find something wrong – so that they can solve it and finally put an end to all this medical history I have that is building up to be as thick as a dictionary.

I never got a call back on that ultrasound so I pressumed everything was fine till I now have this headache that wouldn't go away. I remember when I was younger I always wanted to faint in school and wake up forgetting everything and everyone for a day…

Of course, that's way to specific. In truth, I want to feel lighter and sometimes I think forgetting somethings for even a little bit or while may help that and it would answer or confirm how certain people around me feel about me.

So I decided to find out about why the back of my head hurts – and THIS is why the internet can be deadly…

What Is Fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia is a disorder that causes muscle pain and fatigue (feeling tired). People with fibromyalgia have "tender points" on the body. Tender points are specific places on the neck, shoulders, back, hips, arms, and legs. These points hurt when pressure is put on them.

People with fibromyalgia may also have other symptoms, such as:

Trouble sleeping

Morning stiffness (my neck is stiff?)

Headaches

Painful menstrual periods

Tingling or numbness in hands and feet

Problems with thinking and memory (sometimes called "fibro fog")

I don't actually think I have it since I don't have all the symptoms. See but I am the type of person who likes answers, certainty, black and white. I don't like grey areas. I don't like unanswered loop holes.

Gah..I am missing Grey's Anatomy. I want to be watching it. I am suppose to be asleep. Ugh. Stomache, headache, muscle pain…

Stress is like winter to my immune system. Affects its and deteriorates it like that. Yet, it seems that no one gets as sick as I do. This is such crap. Man I miss those days when I used to be consciously aware of my stress as oppose to having my body tell me that. Ugh.

 Fine I'll go to bed so I don't kick myself for not watching Grey's Anatomy.

Numb3rs – Season Two, Episode Nine

So I finished watching it.

It was SO good. I really liked it. But at the same time I feel like this rush of emotions having it all brought back to me again…the horror. The reality…that at school, being at school isn't a barrier, isn't a safety zone.

I remember when I first watched and learned about the Columbine, it was – in Grade 12 English class when I fell asleep during the documentary "Bowling for Columbine" and then I woke up to the black and white video taping exerpt of the shooting. I became wide awake, and watched the rest of it feeling extremely uneased. Well who would be right?

Then we watched it again, the next semester, in my Psychology course. Where I watched the full then and thought about the analysis we did in English and again in Psychology.

I remember in Grade 10, when there were all these "precautions" in place. We had lock down procedures occassionally, teaching us how to act if there was someone with a weapon and shooting. We hid under tables, gone through what we would do in different parts of the school.

…All this is upsetting. I feel guilty that I didn't think about this…went on with my life.

All these media representations especially Numb3rs episode illustrated a striking resemblance. By all the media representation, I really mean One Tree Hill where a key character was killed. 

Now there's a total of 9 people dead through this media representation all which leads to the origin of division in high school; cliques, bullying, creating outcasts…

People say that high school is only a small portion of your life. I couldn't agree more. But when you're in high school is when everything is more dramatic than it perhaps should be.

What I realized is that…you can go anywhere, all these things that are driving people – making people feel worthless, outsiders, like we'll inferior.

I've been bullied before. I have continued to meet people like this before…You just need to manage it otherwise. But considering all other people, I've got it good.

Sometimes I can't help feeling sensitive and like crap and thus, feeling depressed about it…I am trying to work on it…

Man..my eyes are hurting. Okay no studying done…getting up tomorrow to do it. Bah.

Rough day? 

Columbine…

I feel kind of selfish and rather foolish not to have paid as much attention as I should have before.

I am watching Numb3rs new episode right now. This episode has such a strong resemblance to Columbine. So many episodes on school shooting (okay two) of similar concepts. Bridging the gap…the division with cliques, with the evolution of "adult" bullying that scars more than elementary school bullying because now you're suppose to be able to fend for yourself.

Now you don't have teachers to protect you, rather all they can do is endanger you. I finally realized why now. It's almost April 19th, which marks the shooting…write more after this episode.

Empty

Maybe things don't change that much after all…eyes are starting to hurt. Promise to write after exams are done.

Tuesdays with June.

I am sitting here. Working on my assignment that is due today. 

Today is just one of those days where I feel so upset for some odd reason. Feel like anything can tip me over and just make me cry. One of those moments when you feel like you need a good cry does that make any sense.

I just called my elementary school and through the directory found my grade four teacher, is still working at the school.

I am going to go visit her, either next week on Tuesday when I head home or as soon as my exams are done. I really miss her. I've been thinking about my pass teachers a lot and her a lot especially since I started reading, Tuesdays with Morrie only that I only started and never got around to finishing it.

I remember how this particular teacher and I used to write letters to each other. I don't know what happened. I don't even remember why we stopped or why we stopped. Then for years, I am sad to say, she has left my mind.

Then I keep thinking about how sad I'd be if I never got to say goodbye. I would really miss her.

I plan to give her this book. Okay, so maybe it will be better if I see her after exams since I don't have the greatest timing at this point and I don't know if I'd be able to deal with any baggage heading back to my elementary school, my old home and back to familarity I can barely pass by now. 

 To many memories.

Google Romance?

Google Romance….

Frustrated…and completely screwed up.

I just finished watching Grey’s Anatomy’s episode entitled, Superstitution.

I believe in karma, what goes around comes around. But at the same time, I think in trying to make it easier to myself rather than believing I believe I deserve everything I get – sometimes I’d like to think that the world also has this natural balance.

This way of – when you feel really happy or really upset – it can fluctuate. That – that feeling does not last forever; the feeling of happiness per say, that somehow it’ll come to a screeching halt and something else will bring you down to even out all this feeling of satisfaction you feel.

I got an email finally back from my psychology t.a. per usual – it took a while but at least I guess it was somewhat sooner than previous emails.

I don’t get angry. I get angry for a few minutes and then the tears set in and I become upset, depressed. Crying again. That’s what always happens.

I am upset. I am upset that she was so rude and straight forward to me like it was my fault. I am upset that she made it sound so absolute. I am upset to know that she’s the one marking me, she’s the one who will be determining my mark. I am upset that – now I feel like things are all going wrong when really its not everything and that because of this very email, I am shunned and too blind to look at it too optimistically.

I didn’t eat a proper dinner today. It consisted of popcorn, root beer and two pieces of Hershey’s caramel chocolate. I am not going to my chiro this week. Didn’t make an appointment. I really should be reading for psychology and preparing for the test like it would be on Wednesday, very thankful I don’t have a meeting on Tuesday.

I have three assignments due next week as well as a test and exams to prepare for.

I wanted to see my statistics t.a. but at the moment I am being unrational and generalizing t.a.’s and so at this moment I don’t want to see her.

I honest believe this happened “superstitutiously” speaking because I needed a wake up call. All this feeling earlier about wanting a boyfriend. The feeling of being with someone or just kind of having the reliant of my self-confidence and safety on someone else. This occurred to get my priorities straight. It occurred to remind me of school’s importance and of course to regulate the balance of happiness.

Logically, trying to understand my t.a. I coiuld only guess that my professor haggled her about having an exam makeup date for me and not notifying me so she’s putting it fixed on a day so, she doesn’t have to deal with it again and get it over with.

I am tired. I am going to bed. Wish me luck to get through this week.

I am so excited for today. I know I know…don’t have too much high hopes but man…I can’t wait till its my year to party.

Addicted.

My head’s hurting now. Probably because I am on the computer. I could be using this spare time to read a recreational book that I have lying here and oh right. ALL THE WORK I have to do.

My lack of motivation is sad. My addiction to television and computers is also sad. Someone help me.

Disoriented.

I feel so disoriented. I fell asleep like three hours ago. And now that I am awake. I am awake but I don’t feel fully rested yet, I don’t feel well enough to sleep again.

Ugh…and I didn’t get an email from anyone yet. It’s okay. Really. I am just impatient.